Hello

My new site is PrimalGoddess. I will leave a comment on this post as PrimalGoddess and you can follow the link if you wish to do so-I think I may write here too-still. It will be less personal here and more on the other.

Take it easy.

The winds of change are upon me. I hope it is not just for today.

Soon I will be 35 and on tuesday, barring divine intervention; I will be face to face with my parents again after many years. And oh, I don't wanna go! I want to be defiant! No!

I have been defiant. A defiant child, and adult.

I did not fully realize this till now and this will have to be processed.

I only have till tuesday-better process quick!

I think I am going to move on to a new Xanga site and go premium there. I have many troubles with this particular site as of late and this will also be symbolic of my moving on and changing. 

Do Angels Attack?

I am cycling here. Round and round. I am mad with determination to figure this out and see what I am creating!

I did it again. Felt hurt and betrayed and acted out.

Even when someone really did you wrong, you are totally "innocent" is it okay to seek revenge? That is what I did today. Oh, I am on a mild level. It involved the breaking of a few items belonging to someone else and dumping the stuff they had left on their parents drive-way...

Does this sound like me? Even I don't think so, and I like to think I am better than that-and yet-I did it. And, yes-I am here confessing because when I do something that is less than "right" my conscious will NOT LET me be. I get sick with it-even confessing it and telling myself to remember this feeling does not help. There are things that happened so long ago or last week, that I still feel guilt about and (if I don't do whatever about it) probably would to my grave.

How awful!

Even in the midst of the tossing carelessly of these items, I knew it was not nice what I was doing but it felt(I felt)so good. How can it feel so good when you are doing it and then make you feel so lousy later?

And, the extreme way I manifest the excuse to behave like this goes like this: I am so overly loving, giving and generous to the person-I should be on PAX TV and the other person does things time and time again and I forgive time and time again-till one day I find that they have done something so outrageous, so much of a betrayal it is almost to ridiculous to be true. Like, if you were writing a book you would see that I was the good guy and they the bad.

Do angels attack? I don't think so? I guess I am no angel. 

Now, I have not been this wonderful self to anyone here on line. In fact, when I say that I appreciate being able to be this reclusive self and still have sweet souls that still float over to see how I am-please know-I do.

I wanted to hurt this person, I knew it when I was wrecking some of his stuff. (its not randy, I just want to make sure...he was a partner in crime). This person had left stuff here as family and then betrayed our sense of what is betrayal. Obviously, everyone's is different.

My mother-in-law thinks that I betrayed her when I called her a cunt because she let her daughters be molested by her brother, did nothing about it, still loves and protects her brother, downplaying what happened to the girls right to their faces and even flaunting the woes of said brother/uncle to them. She also criticizes the way they raise their children.

(and I claim to not like drama)

But, consciously I could not have known all this about my family in law before-hand; and yet I believe I am creating all of this. Yet, still is not each person responsible for their own actions?

So, there I am again; I can only be responsible for MY actions: and after getting mad about the molestation thing(my husband was also molested, twice; family friend and then a neighbor). We need/needed to place blame for this-have to hold her some kind of responsible for this but also know that we create the situations we experience. Even if it is being six and an adult having sex with us. You can know that as a spiritual truth, understand the wisdom of that on a higher level but there is still this human reaction that I am now feeling guilt about as so many times before. And, I do hate myself more for it in these moments than I hate the person I felt had wronged me. And that is the truth. That is probably why it is so ucky.

As with the molestation, another part of me feels that to totally let go of that part of me: the part that gets outraged over "wrong" would be somehow "bad." Like giving up part of my humanity. If I were to be as dismissal as the mother, or grandmother I wouldn't act out and I know I don't think what they did was right. I can't. I don't think I can even trust the process on that one-this part of me says that my anger at this "evil" is part of the process...or is that the dark part that likes to war when I feel justified? And, isn't that the same energy anyone would use to justify their actions? Even the very people that I feel are the wrong ones to me? Or to others. I have a "global sense" of wrong being done to the innocent too; real strong. I seem to take it very personal-this is why I cannot watch the news.

Is this "how can I be one, yet be the many?"

If I was on video, I would not be proud of my actions today.

I would be embarrassed to watch it...but it felt so good. In a way. A rush. You feel justified. You feel you have gotten some of your energy back from them. Like, you gave and gave and not only got nothing in return(that's fine, I don't seek revenge just because they don't give as much back-) but a slap in the face.

Isn't it funny that is what my mother says about me. That she gives and gives and gives(I am not being dramatic now, this is verbatim) and all I do is take. Now, she hasn't said this to me in a while because we were not talking for a few years and now that we are I am being at peace with her and letting her control the relationship-I rock no boats with her. I got tired of holding on to that-(that's a lot of what this blog has been about).

So, then am I creating this to understand this: I would say yes. And, even though all of this is right in front of me-I do not see it all and will stop writing now because my mind could go on like this all night and try as you might...

I am cycling around again. Round and round...

May I forgive me; for my behavior. And I don't mind a few prayers or energy sent my way. Even if I am awful, I have learned to still ask for and accept love. All is not lost.

Amen

"I feel the weight of the ages"

I have written that before, I still feel this; only stronger.

I know.

I know how long human beings have been on earth. I am there, in the beginning and I am also here; now.

Right at the heart of what was-before 3,000 to 4,000 BCE-Goddess "country" is today's Iraq, Syria, Jordan: Mesopotamia- is war. A war that our country is involved with at present. Layered on top of what was a Goddess culture are thousands of years of other wars.

Really, the war has never stopped. Since "time"(written history) began, one god has fought with all others to be supreme. After five thousand years, I am tired of hearing about "God."

If you don't mind.

It is the year 10,006 not 2006. Two thousand years ago, we just started "over again" with 0.

My lightbody is floating above the earth and it is not in space. I really got the idea the other day that I am creating everything I am experiencing. I had it only for a minute but it was stronger than ever before.

Here is the kicker. As a trade-off(?) for stronger moments of clarity I am feeling a deeper depression. But then I can see that this holds the "meat" of what I am feeling and it is a slow leaking of this into my everyday that brings that clarity to earth.

And, I have the runs...

My period has been slipping. Coming later and later each month for the last six to eight months. Used to start on the 11th, like clockwork for a while...then it was closer to the 17th-but could be counted on for that. Then it slipped so late in the month that it showed up before the 3rd of the next month. Is that skipping a month? Now, it never came in December and it is still not here.

I do not think that the time of the Goddess culture on earth was paradise. Paradise is coming, we are coming: home. I can say this, yet I am the biggest betrayer of this- although my anger has changed over time. It's not the same as before, not as strong; I can truly say. As I write this I feel hope that I am learning to let go.

Visions of myself as a different self; within this lifetime. Maybe visions of the different ways it all could go down for me.

Then I am back, with a slam! I am in this body, again; and for real. I fail to see the reason or importance of it all and I feel trapped. I ache for my soul to be free and I lament that anything should ever change.

I am triggered by many things. Books, movies, collectibles, songs; anything that didn't happen today-can send me into nostalgia so deep I cry for the old days. Times past, imperfect times where I was so unaware I did not feel trapped and accepted what this world had to offer.

Sometimes I want it all to be over. Then I cry and cry because it will end.

I am just wondering when I will find peace.

I have written my ode to the keepers of time. Time is a mystery and I am in the middle of it; not always able to see anyway out. Life is a mystery: I hate when that is said-I like to think it can be figured out. But I think I see what they mean...

Right at the end of this last year, I felt so deeply lost that I called for mercy. I call mercy.

I was shown the doors of universal knowledge, and all I could feel was that I really didn't care to know. I wanted to be on a beautiful landscape, near dusk; with my love. I'd rather take a nap.

I told them.

I wish my dog would live forever; I hate that we are going to die. This is what troubles me and I feel I know that having knowledge of certain types will not alleviate what is wrong with my soul.

So, I turned away-and there was my puppy; there was my love and there was my peace and I knew it.

I forgive myself for any darkness I posses. My soul is so light it has taken all I have, to experience this material world. I cannot speak for others. I truly do not know their paths or souls... 

while hoping that I belong to kindred spirits that I can be one with them. Spirits existing in another consciousness who became trapped in this timeline. Waiting for the moment when we can leap.

That anything should ever be, or ever been; tells me that something is up-the fact that right now:

I am

I am traveling to all the homes I ever had, all the loves I loved, all the things I have experienced. I bring them all back and I am fat with them. Sad with them. Hopeful with them. Regretful with them. Sometimes happy with them.

Where is my trip to ancient sights? Where is my book, pouring out of me; finding the exact right words to tell my story?

I get mad, mad at my creator! Give me my purpose! Or leave me be. How dare you hide yourself from me?

I get very angry but I apologize later.

For me, this is how it goes and we are much closer to 2012. You see.

I guess we will see.

I am feeling better now.

Someone asked me: why? Why do I feel so unworthy of life? That is my big question to myself. I have cleared away blaming my mother(parents) to see deeper and it is still a issue of my body but there is more there too...

My emotions. I will be saying it for the millionth time. I came across a book: women and their emotions. A page I read said: "I am thankful for my emotions, without them how could I tear up at the sight of a newborn?" (not exact quote but too lazy to go get book right now). I got it, I can see that emotions are not only a gift but the thing that makes us human. (see i, Robot)

Coming into this subject just confuses me. My mind runs in circles, I need to try something different this time.

Don't know what that is, I'll end here.